Some days, you simply need to take a break and do something lighter. As I’ve been trawling through the old Sports Night scripts recently, blowing up something to Aaron Sorkin levels of inanity seemed light enough.
SCENE: Starbucks. Emmett and Griff are seated in the comfy chairs at the back. A single beverage sits on the end table between them.
Emmett: When your barista asks for your name for the cup and then puts an exclamation point after it, it’s not because the next person in line is supposed to make it extra hot. Right?
Griff: An exclamation point?
Emmett: [shows him the cup, which has “Emmett!” written on it]
Griff: I’ve never seen that. I’ve seen actual degrees listed before but never a bang.
Emmett: She put an exclamation point after my name.
Griff: A bang.
Emmett: Right. A bang!
Griff: After your name.
Emmett: That’s what it says.
Griff: Why would she do that?
Emmett: That’s what I’m asking.
Griff: An exclamation point is a bang. So I wouldn’t say ‘bang’ twice.
Griff: Both “!” and “bang.”
Emmett: Why wouldn’t you say bang twice? Is that “!!” then?
Emmett: It’s right there. After my name!
Griff: I see it. But I wouldn’t say it twice.
Emmett: Of course, you wouldn’t. You’d say it once.
Griff: Maybe it’s a factorial . . .
Emmett: But why would you say it all when you’re writing someone’s name on a cup?
Griff: . . . and not a bang.
Emmett: It’s not a factorial.
Geoff: It could be a factorial.
Emmett: She’s not inviting me to do math with her.
Griff: She could be. If it is a factorial, then you wouldn’t have to say it twice.
Emmett: I wouldn’t have to say it twice anyway. Besides, I used my Gold Card, because I don’t want to do math.
Griff: “Bang!” There. I said it twice.
Emmett: And I didn’t ask for a receipt either. Because I’m the type of guy who says, “Not only do I not want you to to do math; I’m not bothered by the math either.” And then she put an exclamation point after my name. Bang! (beat) Shit. Bang. No “!”
Griff: Because you don’t like math, or because it was a factorial?
Emmett: There’s no math involved
Griff: If you say so. There could be.
Emmett: There wasn’t.
Griff: So . . . how was it?
Griff: The coffee? Was it hot?
Emmett: Too hot. It needs to cool.
Griff: You shouldn’t have asked for it extra hot.
Emmett: I didn’t.
Griff: Why else would she put the bang on it then?
[Hat tip to old pal G. for playing the comic foil in the genesis of this.]